I agree with Bill that a bland Mitt needs a vice-presidential pick who will spice up the ticket. Still, I hope that Mitt’s “boldness” doesn’t end up with, as Bill advises, “the Republican party’s intellectual leader,” Paul Ryan, or “its most gifted young politician,” Marco Rubio. These guys are mollycoddling wimps, not that much more exciting than Oregon’s bland Rob Portman or Minnesota’s equally bland Tim Pawlenty.

No, Mitt, you should surprise everyone – including London odds-makers who have reportedly put the chances of your picking her for veep at 100 to one — by selecting that red hot Christian jihadist: Michele Bachmann.

First, let us discard false analogies to that other one time hottie, Sarah Palin. Unlike Sarah, Michele is not ignorant. A graduate of Oral Robert University, she not only reads – sorry, Sarah – but helped research the 1987 New York Times best-seller (okay, I am exaggerating a bit) Christianity and the Constitution, which argues that not only was the United States founded as a Christian theocracy; it should become one again. Who can argue with that? (Okay, if you, like me, are not a mainstream Christian, this might be a problem. But still).

It’s not, however, just Michele’s intellect which impresses. My hometown of New York needs her clear American values — such as her position that English should be legislated as America's national language Of course! Why a week ago at a concert in Central Park, there on the Summerstage built with my taxpayer dollars, performers were singing in...I hesitate to tell you, so low has my city sunk...in Spanish!

Oh, a jolly time was had by the mostly Latino audience from Columbia and Puerto Rico. (I know this because when the d.j. asked where they were from, naming each place, they cheered for these other countries! Here, in America!) And when it started rained, instead of wrapping themselves up in the American flag while skewering political traitors, they sang and danced! Locos!

But I stray. Michele was born to parents who divorced — not, of course, because of her. So, what better person to champion family values? Especially after she and husband Marcus, in addition to having five children, provided foster care for 23 more. They also co-founded Bachman & Associates, which through 2010 reportedly received nearly $30,000 in payments from the state of Minnesota and another $137,000 from the feds.

True, some believe that those advocating cutting government spending should not be on the receiving end of government welfare. Picky, picky!

thers, of course, question why the Bachmanns adopted only teenage girls. To which I reply, why not?

Marcus’ therapeutic specialty includes converting gays to straight – an admittedly curious field given his marriage to such a hot Christian jihadist. Then again, maybe Marcus doesn’t care for straight men challenging his authority. This would reinforce your image, Mitt, not as a flip flopper but as a fierce manly man who stands by his beliefs no matter what in pushing for a constitutional amendment to outlaw gay marriage.

Apart from all this, Michele early this year applied for — and received - Swiss citizenship. She claimed she got her dual citizenship because Marcus’ parents are Swiss.

And as a former - if brief - Swiss citizen before all those news reports came out, as well as a former IRS tax attorney, who better, Mitt, to help you mind your Swiss bank accounts?

Last but not least is Michele’s Christian jihad against Huma Abedin, Secretary of State Clinton’s Muslim deputy chief of staff. Minnesota’s brave Congresswoman, together with four equally brave Republican Congressmen, charged that Abedin, (who is, curiously, married to Jewish ex-Congressman Anthony Weiner), is part of an international Muslim Brotherhood conspiracy (Sure, it makes little sense that Abedin, a woman, would conspire with a group that excludes women leaders. Details! Details!).

What’s more, Michele even got House Majority Leader Eric Cantor to defend her. He said that Michelle’s concern was not about promoting Christianity, but about “the security of the country.” And what better way to promote the security of our country than to promote Christian values? So, there you have it!

Yes, Michele’s Christian jihad recalls that of the late Sen. Joseph McCarthy, who similarly went after State Department traitors - though his villains of choice were suspected Commie sympathizers. And yes, McCarthy died an alcoholic, disgraced martyr “defending” our country, a choice Michele may not follow. But why be persnickity?

So listen to your base and “Go bold, Mitt!” After all, if your base is hell bent on political self-destruction, who, other than this bold Christian jihadist, could better move this along?

*Photo Credit: Gage Skidmore